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Mother. I won't do it again. I won't last long enough, will I?"
I almost punched the DISCONNECT button: an ingrained reflex to cut off
conversation after I'd delivered a good parting shot. But I stopped myself in
time. Did I want to squander my chance for truth out of sheer petty pique?
On the vidscreen, my mother looked like she knew exactly what thoughts were
going through my head. She wore a "Well, are you going to do it?"
expression... based, I guess, on all the times Ihad hung up on her, or stormed
out of the room, or just covered my ears and screamed, "Shut up, shut up, shut
up!"
Taking a breath, I said, "Look. Let's start over. Was there a day we went to
that temple and something extraordinary happened?"
"Why do you want to know?" Again, answering my question with a question.
"Why don't you want to tell me?" I said, giving her another question back.
"You're being so evasive, it sounds like somethingdid happen, and you're
afraid to admit it."
I paused. Mother said nothing looking somewhere off-screen. "Don't be shy," I
said. "It's not like I'll think you've gone crazy. If there's one thing I've
learned as an Explorer, it's that the universe is full of strangeness. I'll
believe whatever you tell me."
Mother gave me a look. "If you've finally begun to believe what I say, the
universe is getting strange indeed." She sighed. "We were in the pagoda, Youn
Suu. You were watching a pair of Neo-Tantrics doing their usual in a corner.
You were pretending to meditate, but you were twelve years old, fascinated by
all kinds of sex and not good at hiding your interest. People were watching
you more than the Neo-Tants; you were so obvious, the way you kept taking
oh-so-casual peeks at the couple in the corner, and I suppose a lot of folks
found that cute."
"Or they just couldn't take their eyes off my cheek."
"Maybe that too," Mother said. "You always drew attention. It was hard taking
you out in public. I got so embarrassed..." She shook her head. "I guess
that's what happened at the temple. I was embarrassed by everybody looking at
you, so I thought I'd go outside for a few minutes. Get some air. Pretend you
weren't with me. But when I got to the door..."
"Youwent to the door?"
"Yes. And outside, a bunch of statues were covered with stuff that hadn't
been there when we came in. Purple jelly, black sand, lava... every statue had
something crawling on it."
"Yousaw the statues?"
"That's what I'm saying. You were too busy staring at two not-very-attractive
people having sex, but I saw what I saw."
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"What about the Buddha statue? The one inside the pagoda, in the fountain."
"That was the strangest part," my mother said. "I came running back inside to
get you to drag you away someplace safe, in case the stuff on the statues was
dangerous and I glanced at the Buddha, just for half a second. In that
instant, the statue was suddenly replaced with a woman in a wheelchair. She
was moss from the waist down, Youn Suu: glowing red moss. And she was looking
at you. You had your back to her, so you didn't see. But she smiled at you.
Her eyes were hidden behind her hair, but I could see her mouth, and she
smiled. She lifted her hands toward you in the Wisdom mudra... then she
disappeared, and the Buddha was back to normal. When I got you outside, the
other statues were back to normal too. I hustled you away before anything else
happened and never told you what I'd seen. Never went back to that temple
either." She gave me a probing look. "Well? Was that what you wanted to hear?"
I couldn't answer once again frozen in surprise. Kaisho Namida, the mossy
woman in the wheelchair... she'd shown up on Anicca? She'd been interested in
me? And she'd made the Wisdom mudra: one of the many hand gestures used to
symbolize virtues and principles of faith. Had she been suggesting I needed to
strive for wisdom? Was she bestowing wisdom upon me?
If shehad given me wisdom, it wasn't enough. I didn't understand any of this.
My mother had just confirmed that the events of my "memory" had actually taken
place... butshe was the one who saw the aliens, while I missed everything. And
her account differed from my memory in several respects. She'd seen Kaisho in
the fountain; I'd seen the Buddha covered with moss.
One thing seemed certain: the Balroghad played with my mind. Sort of. The
spores had given me a memory of things I would have seen for myself if I
hadn't been a silly twelve-year-old distracted by sex. Thanks to that
artificial memory, I'd contacted my mother to find out what really happened...
...and I'd learned that seven years ago, the Balrog was already interested in
me. It had sent Kaisho to "bless" me perhaps knowing that my attention would
be elsewhere and that I'd only be told the truth when my mother saw fit to
share what she'd seen. The Balrog had been watching me (stalking me?) back
when I was twelve: long before I became an Explorer. Now it had given me a
false memory, possibly to prod me into calling my mother in search of the real
story.
It wanted me to know about the temple. The Balrog was sending me a message. I
just didn't understand what the message was.
"Youn Suu," Mother said, "are you all right?"
"I'm fine," I said in reflex automatically shutting my mother out, refusing
to yield information about how I really was. I forced myself to say,
"Actually, I don't know how I am. I feel okay, but like I told you, I've got
alien spores in my guts. Who knows what they'll do to me?" I could have told
her I might end up like the wheelchair-bound moss victim she'd seen in the
temple, but why sensationalize? "How are you doing?" I asked to deflect the
conversation. "Is, uhh... is this Raymond nice?"
Mother looked at me with suspicion maybe worried I'd launch into a tirade. "I
told you, Youn Suu, he's just a friend."
"I hope it works out for you, Mother. Really."
She stared at me a moment. "You're in bad trouble, aren't you."
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"Yes. All kinds of it."
Silence. Then: "You're strong. I told the man at the birth clinic, 'Make her
strong.' And he did. I did everything I could to make you strong. You'll be
okay. Really."
Part of me wanted to say,Don't be ridiculous, Mother, you didn't do
everything you could. You paid a lot of money in the bioengineering phase, but
once I was born, and you saw my face, you lost every drop of enthusiasm. After
that, I was just a burden. But I stifled the words. "Iam strong," I said.
"We'll see what happens next."
We both pressed our DISCONNECT buttons. Neither of us said good-bye.
Still too early for bed. I found I was surprisingly hungry, but couldn't go
down to the mess hall again for fear that Tut was still there. (What was I
afraid would happen? Don't ask. I refused to contemplate the possibilities.) [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]

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