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Will walked to the middle of his half-packed-up living room. He ran his hands through
his hair and then he turned to me.  Mark, you want honesty?
I nodded, but I was suddenly not very sure I wanted to hear this at all.
 I have known you for twelve months, and I ve been in love with you for just as long. I
have watched you flirt with strangers and take them home instead of me, and it killed me every
time.
Oh God.
 I m sorry.
He shook his head.  I have thought you were so perfect for so long, but you re really
not.
I nodded.  I know I m not perfect.
There was so much hurt on his face.  The other night in the back room at Kings was one
of the best and worst nights of my life. I ve dreamed about being with you like that, for a year for
fuck s sake, and it meant nothing to you. Nothing.
 That s not true, I said.
 You laughed!
 I was drunk, and it was intense, and I don t know why I laughed& I m sorry, I said,
though it sounded hugely inadequate, even to me.
Will looked to the ground and after a too-long moment, he looked at me.  Mark, I just
can t do it anymore, he said.
 But, Will, I said, feeling my eyes burn.  I came here to tell you that I have these
feelings that could be love, and that I want to be with you. I want to fix this.
He shook his head and looked away.  I m sorry, he whispered.
I wiped my tears onto my suit sleeve.  Please?
He stood, silent and not even able to look at me.
And there it was. I told him how I felt and he said no. He didn t want me. For some
stupid, conceited reason, I didn t expect that. I thought& I thought if I told him&
I needed to leave. I had to get out of there, like I was drowning and needed air. I fumbled
with the door, and I ran.
Carter and Isaac were still waiting. Carter was standing, leaning against his Jeep talking
to Isaac, and when Carter saw me, his face dropped. I didn t need to say anything.
He simply walked around, opened his door, and got in, waiting for me. Whether he said
something quietly to Isaac, I don t know, but when I got into the car, there was only silence
between us.
When we d pulled the Jeep up in front of my apartment, Carter said,  Mark, did you want
us to come up?
I shook my head.  No. I ll be okay. But then those fucking traitorous tears began again.
 You guys can go. Thank you for coming anyway, I said, wiping my face with the backs of my
hands.  I ll see you guys in a week and a half for your big day, and you got my message that I m
house-sitting, yes? Because I took four weeks off and I told him I loved him and he said he
doesn t want me.
 Oh, Mark&  Carter said softly.
I shook my head and sucked back a shaky breath.  I ll be okay. I just need to go home
and I think I m getting the stomach flu or something because I don t feel good at all.
I started to get out of the car, and Carter stopped me.  Mark, he said.  We ll come up.
I climbed out and stood on the sidewalk. I was going to tell them they didn t have to, but
a wave of nausea rolled over me. I pushed my hand against my stomach.  Actually, I think I m
going to be sick.
I bolted for the front door and took deep breaths in the elevator. I left my front door open
and raced for the bathroom.
I wasn t sick, but I stood over the sink with my head down, trying to catch my breath. I
loosened my tie and splashed cold water on my face, not daring to look in the mirror. When I
walked back out, Carter, Isaac, and Brady were in my living room.
I mumbled something about going to lie down and didn t look to see how they reacted.
And then I felt guilty for them driving all this way and not being good company. I stopped at the
hallway near my bedroom door.  I m sorry you came all this way and took time off work. I
really do appreciate it, I said, though it was a whisper at best.  But I might go and wallow in my
bed for the next few decades. I ll be at your wedding, though. I promise. It ll just be me. I won t
bring anyone, if that s okay. Then new fucking tears fell down my cheeks.
I scrubbed at my face and looked at Carter.  Now I ve got these stupid fucking tears! I
said roughly, wiping my face again.
He walked over to me and threw his arms around me. He hugged me tight and it made the
whole crying thing worse. [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]

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